Desperation is a terrible thing but with just a few hours to go before my tee time in the annual Irish Golf Writers’ Association Championship — a gymkana for the afflicated who watch great golfers and then fail utterly to replicate anythng they have seen — I’m searching for my swing.

The clubs are in the boot, where they’ve been cowering in disgrace since I left a trail of destruction across Northern Ireland at Kilkeel, Royal Belfast and Belvoir Park, more than a month ago.

It’s been eight months since I tried Shane Lowry’s “Simply Golf” app, booked the second lesson of my life and spent an hour with the excellent Zak Rouiller working on the stuff Watttie Sullivan told me when in Grange back in 1980, when they Inter Cert was looming.

“There are 18 questions on the exam and you can’t skip any,” Wattie said as I opened and closed “the door” with my little persimmon-headed Clery’s three-wood, sweeping autumn leaves in the rough right of the 18th.

The club may still be around but the swing is definitely a lot less supple. It’s T minus two hours to my tee time for the Mark McKenna Trophy at Woodrbook so I check the Simply Golf app for those swing keys I’d promised Zac — an excellent maestro, by the way — I’d practice faithfully.

It had been easy to book the lesson. I’d simply downloaded the app from the Apple Store, loaded it with credit via my credit card and searched for pro in my area. A few names popped up and I opted for the man who worked nearest, recalling his name from the PGA Irish circuit.

We met up in Newcastle Driving Range between Newcastle and Lucan and I walked away from it knowing exactly what to do with my game. If only I’d gone practicing or followed up with that short game lesson. 

Zac gave me what amounted to a pre-NCT lesson for my game and I’ll go back for the full service now that the golf season is quiet.

Grip, posture and set up will be my early focus when I get to Woobrook later. (After a coffee, of course). 

I can check the app for the lesson keys I got that day: “Swing width in backswing (starting with takeaway).”

Ah yes, I remember it now. I also remember being told to keep my chin up and to stick my backside out. It certainly made me feel more capable of delivering a reasonably athletic move and a clean hit. My ball flight, usually quail high, suddenly attained a Rory McIlroy-esque quality of getting airborne.

“Left hip turn through impact as opposed to slide.”

This, as I recall, was a little trickiet but it resulted in straighter shots, which might prove handy later today.

My “Work Ons” included a one-piece takeaway to promote width. For lack of time, that will have to do. 

Call me One Piece Keogh today. Wish me luck. I’ll need it.